the madszine

A written preface must be recorded on this post, I do not lack confidence, on the contrary I have too much for my stature. What I lack is belief in the truth of that confidence, I am a fraud. When I was a child I think I took a ‘fake it ’til you make it’ a little to much to heart. I made it my mantra, constantly in a contradiction that Marina narrates. Feel like I’m the worst, so act like I’m the best. 

I like to people watch, observing conversation more than partaking when I’m alone. You hear everything people say when they are not talking to you and every message is more interesting when you are not its audience. A coffee shop is a stop in time, everyone looks better in a coffee shop the way everyone looks better on the last train back from London.  

I’m not my own biggest fan, but I’d like to think that if I wasn’t me, I would want to be. 
If I saw myself in a coffee shop I’d like to think I’d fall in love with her.
There is no background knowledge in a coffee shop, beauty is skin deep and that is all that matters, the biggest tell of anyone’s character their order.

I can’t stand milk, which is ironic because I love coffee. Milk in coffee is equivalent of putting ice cubes in red wine. It dilutes the potentness of the decision, the richness of the flavour, it ruins the drink. It’s an exacting decision of character, no milk.

If  its too warm for a black coffee, it’s an iced vanilla latte kind of day but I can never justify the cost (three pounds for frozen water is a lot). 

I’d love to be the kind of girl who orders soy milk lattes at the counter but I’m not, I can’t stand the stuff. I feel like a fraud because I’d rather drink my coffee at home. Sitting in a bar and I’ll order an orange juice and lemonade. Wine tastes better with literature. 

Am I fake for not ordering a coffee even though I wait in line with my friends before uni?
Am I a fraud for turning down sharing a bottle because I’d rather drink my own?
Am I the girl I’d admire in the corner writing with a mango frappe? 
If I believed that maybe I’d feel less inferior, to the person I want to be.